If only I knew....

I'm having a hard time....I'm doing okay, actually better than I ever thought I could be at this point in time, yet there are days, well moments during every day that the grief hits me so hard and unexpetedly that it literally makes me sick to my stomach. We are in the process of moving, yes it is a loooonng process :) I am of course coming across the girls baby blankets and other things that I had saved in hopes that someday we would have another one, and these things are making me very sad. I am facing the reality that we may never have another baby, I have not accepted this reality and really hope that God has other plans for us, but until he makes that plan clear (clear as in "hey would you adopt my baby") then we will patiently wait....I am smiling as I write patiently because sadly patient is something neither of us are :-)
I keep looking back and remembering those long nights when the girls were babies and thinking "If only I knew" If only I knew that I wouldn't get another chance to walk the hallway trying to get her to fall asleep...if only I knew that all those things that some days seemed so irritating one day I would miss them, then maybe I would have held on a little tighter, enjoyed those nights a little more. These experiences have made me realize that today is all I have, we are not promised tomorrow we are not promised the next moment. So today I will hold on a little tighter, I will enjoy these moments a little more....I am not perfect and believe me when I am faced with this...

and this...

there are moments I definetly feel like screaming, but even in those moments I have learned to look at it and think to myself, enjoy this moment because someday you'll wish you had it back....(I know there will be screaming and crying when they get older, but the screams will be louder and the tears will be harder to console so yea I'm pretty sure someday I'll wish I had those 5 year old tears and 3 year old screams back ;-)
and because you've been so wonderful to make it to the end of this post here are some happier faces for you to enjoy!