Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Seriously
My worst fear 3 years ago was losing my Grandparents...seriously... I used to have panic attacks when I would think about them dying. Then I lost my Granny and Grendaddy on the same day....seriously... it was worse than my worst fear. I made it through, then exactly one year to the day of losing them...seriously...I miscarried our 3rd child Taylor, a little over a year later we lost our 4th, Maisyn, 7 months later we lost our 5th baby Hannah, 6 months later we lost our 6th, Lilly. I never thought I would lose a child much less 4 talk about worst fear. Through these experiences I have learned so much one thing being that I am alot stronger than I ever thought I could be. Thats not to say I don't cry or get upset periodically...it's called grief people, it's normal, it's okay! Is it hard for me to be around babies....yea....sometimes it is, I love babies, but sometimes it gets me thinking about my babies and what they would be like. Does that mean I don't ever want to be around babies...NO. Is it hard for me to be around pregnant people...yea...I look at them and think about what could be or where I would be in my pregnancy....does that mean I hate pregnant people, that I can't be happy for them...NO...just because I don't have a baby doesn't mean that other people don't deserve one. I might get teary eyed around babies, I might get teary eyed around pregnant people...not because I don't like them or am not happy for them, but because sometimes its hard....but just because it's hard doesn't mean I'm going to sit in my closet and hide from babies or pregnant people....seriously....I'm not crazy! And as far as what I can and can not handle emotionally, let me make that decision....I might surprise you...seriously...I'm alot stronger than you think I am.
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Char...Understood. Completely understood. But please understand no one is out there to get you. No one thinks you "dont like babies or pregnant people"... it never once went thru my mind, nor ANYONE else's. It was not an attack on you. It was merely a decision... and obviously a wrong decision, only made to try and keep you from feeling sad. Try and think about it from our perspective. Really...think about it. It's hard for us to talk about it... we all get sad as well. And we know you get sad too...I don't want to be the one to put that moment of sadness infront of you. Nor did anyone else. It was a hard decision on my part to not say anything... just like it was hard for everyone else. You cannot honestly think this was done to hurt you. If we'd have known the reaction caused...I guarantee you it would have been handled a different way. Mistakes. We...your family made one. For that, I am sorry. Please forgive me.
-Keelie
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