Chaos or Peace?

I have had a crappy last few days (the girls are in bed so I can say that;) Every little thing makes me cry, and I hate crying... my voice gets all squeaky, my face scuinches up, I can't breathe and I snort. So, you see why I don't like to cry, it's not a pretty sight! I'm having crazy mood swings (yes Josh, I'm admitting it) It's just been crappy, but at the bottom of all that I have this incredible peace. On the outside I look like I'm falling apart, but inside I know without a shadow of doubt that we're going to be okay, that my God is in control and He can do more than I could ever ask or imagine, I know that, and I'm okay. One of my favorite songs lately is by Sanctus Real, the chorus says whatever you're doing inside of me it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace. Some people say this doesn't make sense chaos and peace, they don't go together. I have to disagree because what I'm feeling right now is complete and utter chaos, everything in my little world has been turned upside down and yet I have this peace, somedays I have to search a little harder than others to find it, but it is there. Peace that can only come from my Savior, the one who knows me better than anyone else, the one who is walking with me through all of this, the one who helps me get up in the morning, the one who helps me get through the day. So Chaos or Peace? I don't think we have to choose.
Here are the words to the song "Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

Gods Hands

This post is for me really, Because I want to remember. I know that as time passes we start to forget things, and I want to remember that I saw God in the midst of horrible circumstances... I saw Gods hand even in this.
I had all intentions of going to the Dr by myself yesterday, at the last minute our schedule changed and Josh was able to come with me, God knew that I would need him there with me, I saw Gods hands.
I was just in the specialist office on Friday, !FRIDAY!, everything was fine, and then between Friday and Monday something happened. I don't know what, I don't understand why, but I do know that I could have been at the specialists office when they told me the news and that would have been so hard for me. Instead I was at Dr. Johnsons, my regular Dr. who cares, who understands, who wants this for us as badly as we want it. That was God, I saw his hands.
I want to understand why this happened again, and believe me I have asked God that question. I realize though that sometimes we don't know, we may never understand and when we really stop and think asking God or understanding why, thats not our job... Faith is about trusting God no matter what. This is what I am trying to remember, what I am holding on to... God has a plan and He alone is in control.

Gods Perfect Plan

This post may not make any sense, it is written more for myself than anyone else, sometimes it helps me to process things when I write them down. Today I went in for another ultrasound... Lets back up a little, My first ultrasound I went in and saw a sac but no yolk sac or heartbeat. My next ultrasound I went in very nervously and we were able to see a yolk sac but still no heartbeat I was so excited, the pregnancy was progressing... Then that same afternoon the nurse called and said my hcg levels had not increased as much as they wanted, my hopes were shot down, I didn't think I would make it through the weekend until my next ultrasound. I made it through and Tuesday came, I went in praying for Gods will, hoping for the best but fully expecting to see nothing. The nurse basically prepared me for the same thing, then she did the ultrasound and there was a heartbeat!! I rejoiced, over lunch Josh and I discussed names we were so excited. This afternoon the nurse called, my levels are still going up but not as much as they should be, she told me that "we would take it day by day, sometimes the pregnancy fights to continue, but then the heart stops thats what we will be looking for." I was devestated, I picked up my bible and just held it and prayed, I asked God "why do you keep giving me something and taking it away that same day?" and that still small voice in me said "I haven't taken anything away.. you went in expecting nothing I gave you a yolk sac, the nurse called and gave you doubt, you all went in expecting nothing I gave you a heartbeat, the nurse gave you doubt. I have taken away nothing" So today I am choosing to pray and believe that we are going to get a miracle.. If a miracle is not Gods plan then I am okay with that, I will praise God if I get to hold this baby on earth or if I get to hold this baby in heaven. This child belongs to God and what better capable hands could he be in. Will you join me and pray for our miracle and for us that we will accept Gods plan for our lives, that we will seek Gods will and make something out of whatever situation God gives us.

One of "Those" weeks

So this is going to be one of those posts that is just depressing, for me anyways. Last week was hard, It was one of "Those" weeks if you know what I mean. Wednesday my sister-n-law got some test results back from her doctor, and they weren't good, they determined she has cervical cancer that may have spread further. She is waiting on a call from MD Anderson to decide what their "plan of attack" will be. Her doctor says most likely she will have a radical hysterectomy and then chemo therapy, Please keep her and her family in your prayers, they will need alot in the coming weeks.
Thursday I had my 2nd ultrasound, there was still no heartbeat but my measurments had grown, so the pregnancy is progressing, the Dr. said that everything looked fine sometimes you aren't able to see the heartbeat this early. Later in the afternoon I got a call from the nurse saying that my hcg levels had increased but not as much as they would like them to, so of course that had me all worried.
Becky also had a Drs appt. Thursday, her Dr. told her she "thought" she may have seen a flicker indicating a heartbeat she was to come in Friday. Friday she was told that there was no heartbeat and she would miscarry again. I have been where she is at and I still have no words to comfort her, it is just that hard. Please be in prayer for Becky and her family as I have found out, it does not matter if you miscarry at 8 weeks or at 16 weeks the pain and sorrow is still very real and very hard.
There are people all around us going through horrible life circumstances and I just want to scream WHY, but for now what I cling to is the knowledge that God knows the plan for my, for our lives. One of my favorite verses is Jer.29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." We don't know why these things happen but our creator does HE HAS A PLAN and his plan is perfect! Isn't that a comfort.
Praying for a better week this week, I will update on Tuesday after my Dr. appt.

What If....

I had a hard day today, I have made peace with what happened with my miscarriages, but not a day goes by that I don't think about both my babies. We are coming up to both due dates, Taylors is Jan. 21st and Maisyns Feb. 3. I seem to be doing the what ifs lately, what if I had Taylor, I would be planning a first birthday! What if I was still pregnant with Maisyn, I would be getting ready to bring a new baby home. Last week in Sunday school whe studied Psalm 42 and 43 One of the things that really struck me was how many times the Psalmist asks God Why, why are these things happening to me. I found comfort in that, the Bible does not teach that we as believers will never face disapointment, but it is filled with examples of people who faced saddness, loss and hardships, It shows us what to do when we face depression, We can still trust God, give him control yet there is still room to ask him Why, why did this happen? We are planning on trying to have another baby soon, I have seen a specialist and once we are pregnant again he will start me on daily injections of a blood thinner, they believe that both miscarriages were caused by blood clots restricting air flow to the placenta. As nervous as I am about going through this again I have a certain peace, My God is the same today as he was yesterday and he will be the same tomorrow so no matter what happens I can put my faith in that.