It's a love hate relationship

I hate that....
I analyze everything from how sore my boobs are to how constipated I am, and if anything changes I go into a panic. Yea I totally just started my post off with that :)
I hate that I convince myself at least once a week that I've lost the baby.
I hate that I can't look at the ultrasound until the Dr. says everythings okay.
I hate that I can't talk about the pregnancy with the girls.
I hate that when someone says congratulations I want to laugh and say you have no idea.
I hate that I feel foolish looking at baby cribs and accessories because I can't envision ever actually holding a baby.
I hate that I get out my maternity clothes one piece at a time because if something was to happen it's so hard to pack them all up.
I hate shots, I hate tumors... I mean really who likes either of those.

I want to remember all of this, how it feels, so that maybe some day I can help someone else, so I made this list. After I wrote all of this down it made me kind of sad so I thought you know there are alot of things about pregnancy that I don't like, but there are also alot that I love....so I made another list.

I Love that....
I can pray so earnestly for my baby and that he/she and these experiences have brought me closer to God.
I love that all the pregnancy symptoms I have complained about in the past like nausea(although still irritating) I appreciate now.
I love that when I feel her kick it's the most awesome feeling in the world and I appreciate it for what it is, she is with me at that moment.
I love that I know she is strong, I like to think she's a fighter, I felt her move for the first time at 13 weeks 5 days and at 16 weeks she kicked me so hard it made me jump.
I love that when I see her moving on the ultrasound I get giddy happy and I feel and instant connection.
I love that I love this baby so much!

The post you may not want to read :-)

So, I've been told by a couple people that I needed to update. You see, it's been a couple of weeks because if I had written earlier you would have gotten a post all about peuk, like the day I was holding Emma's hair back so she could peuk in the toilet when I realized that I either needed to push her away or use the trashcan for myself, simultaneous peuk, all done while I was holding back Emma's hair...I'm such a multitasker, or how about the day that we were driving and she informs me she needs to throw up so I hand her a doll car seat, it was either that or my purse I mean seriously what would you have chosen! :-) So as you can see you really wouldn't have wanted to read "that" post ;-) Things are looking up now, after a week of being sick Emma seems to be feeling a little better, no fever today at least.
I did have a dr. appt Monday and things look good we've made it to 14 weeks! The farther along I get I seem to get more fearful of all the things that could go wrong so please pray for peace and for an uneventful pregnancy....and maybe that this tumor would just disappear, That would be great!

12 1/2 weeks

We drove down to Houston today to see my perinatal/high risk doctor. The appt went great as far as the baby goes, she was moving like crazy kicking and waving her hands around. It was so wonderful to see her moving so much...at one point I'm pretty sure she kicked the tumor which brings me to the disappointing part of my appt., the tumor has not shrunk it has grown actually doubled in size since I last saw this dr. 5 weeks ago. I was not encouraged, I was a little disappointed, I was hoping it had shrunk, really I was hoping it had disappeared. So to see it so clearly on the ultrasound was (insert groan here). The Dr. was not surprised and he said the tumor is growing in proportion to the baby and placenta, it's not growing faster or threatening the baby right now. He checked the heartbeat and other things and said that there were no signs of congestive heart failure and that the baby looked great...he's hopeful. I may have been a little surprised at the news, but the Dr wasn't and most importantly neither is God, he knew we would be walking this road long before we did...he chose this path for us, so here we are taking it one day at a time praying for health for this baby, and peace for us. We appreciate all your prayers. Jeremiah 29:11

The Update!

So the reason I haven't been writing much lately is because anything I said would most likely wind up with me referring to "this" and I really didn't want to talk about it... But I guess now is the time, so if you didn't know or haven't figured it out then.... we're pregnant again.
Yay, congrats, how exciting...yea whatever, After 3 miscarriages that positive pregnancy test that used to be so exciting now brings the feeling of fear and those ultrasounds that we used to so look forward to now are spent with my eyes closed praying please see a heartbeat,please see a heartbeat.
We are now entering our ninth week of pregnancy and of course we would be dealing with something very out of the ordinary. A few weeks ago the nurse noticed for lack of better words a "blob" in the placenta with the baby. She didn't know what it was so we watched...next appt. the "blob" was still there so the Dr. looks at it, he says maybe a molar pregnancy, twin pregnancy that died, or blood vessels, "I'm not sure". So off to the hospital, after a student, ultrasound tech, and ultimately the radiologist all come in and do ultrasounds...the verdict "we don't know". "I'm going to die" I know, silly right, but this was my thought, I was scared out of my mind. Well one appt with a high risk pregnancy specialist later and he tells me I have a chorioangioma tumor. WHAT! yea that was my reaction too. Apparently it's a benign tumor that can grow and can cause pregnancy complications for the baby, congestive heart failure, premature birth, miscarriage just to name a few. It could also stay the same and cause no complications at all, obviously this is what we are praying for. The doctor says he's cautiously optimistic...which after 3 miscarriages I'm always cautiously optimistic:-)
So here we are again dealing with a whole new set of issues. Relying on God day by day and thanking him for each moment I have with this baby.

Peace

I want to write something really good, but I'm so overwhelmed I just can't come up with anything and realized that I'm just thinking about it to much, so I'm just going to tell you like it is. I had a Dr. appt today, I haven't been in one week which was pretty much a long time since I had been going twice a week. I have had an incredible peace that can only come from my God. In the back of my mind I knew there was the possibility that I wouldn't see that beautiful heartbeat, but I also knew that God would be with us and carry us through no matter what happened. Well, the Dr. said....."we just might have a miracle baby here." He's having a hard time explaining why our baby is still here, and when he told me that you could see in his eyes that he was giving up trying to figure it out. I know that there is no figuring it out, I don't want it to be explained, I know that this is all God! We still have a long road ahead of us, I'm taking it one appt. at a time so please don't stop praying. But I thought you should know that today our prayers were answered! I found a verse today and I love it, I'm not going to write it all here, but go get your Bible and read it! Philippians 4:6-7 Gods peace is a great thing.

This is hard!

We're back to good news in the morning and bad news in the afternoon! I went in for another ultrasound, everything looked great still a heartbeat and our baby had grown. Then the "dreaded phone call" my hcg levels are fine, but my hormone levels are both down, so they upped one of my medicines the other I've already upped once so they didn't have me increase that one. I'm going to be honest this is sooooo hard on me. The nurse told me today, "you're not out of the woods yet" I wanted to scream, are you serious do you think I don't know that! So pray for me today, I know that God is in control and I really do have a certain peace about everything, but I still find myself having those days when I just want to cry, scream, lay in bed and feel sorry for myself and just understand why this is happening. (sidenote, I have yet to do any of these things except ask why. Lay in bed, are you serious do you know what happens when I leave my girls alone? powder skating anyone!)

I finally figured out how to get a picture on my page, I just don't know how to shrink it! so how do you like our feet lifesize :-) Someday I'm going to catch up with the times and figure out all this computer stuff!

Miracles

I have had a hard time writing this post, and it's not because I got bad news today, on the contrary I got great news! I along with many others have been praying for a miracle, I have never doubted that God could give me that miracle I know that our God is capable of great things. I have doubted that I would get that miracle, I know that Gods timing is not always our timing. This is something I have and am really struggling with. By doubting he will give me this miracle am I essentially doubting God? (Any answers you have for me will be greatly appreciated) Anyways, so this afternoon I went in to see the Dr. (specialist) expecting of course the worst as we sat in the ultrasound room the Dr told us "I just want you to be prepared, your levels are going down and they are not where they should be, so be prepared to not see the heartbeat at one of these appointments." I told him that we understood that and we were prepared but we were still praying for a miracle. When he did the ultrasound we saw our baby who had grown since Thursday and a heartbeat Praise God! The Dr. with a very surprised look on his face told us that if he were to look at the baby he would never guess that my levels are as low as they are, he said this baby is right on track and has a very strong heartbeat! (very positive coming from him) He then told me my levels were still low, that they should be atleast in the 5000s so we would just keep watching. Honestly this was enough of a miracle for me, but of course I still had the dreaded afternoon phone call..... which wasn't so bad today my levels are up in the 5000s!!! Please keep praying for us, we know that God is at work here and it is through all our prayers that we are where we are at today. Also pray that no matter what happens we will bring glory to God, we don't know what is in store for us in the future, but today was an answer to prayer!!

Heartbeats

I had another dr.s appt this morning, I have been praying all weekend and was amazingly calm and comforted going into this appt that no matter what happened God was in control. I had also been praying very specifcally that I wanted to see a heartbeat today.... God answered that prayer, there was a strong heartbeat and the baby had grown! The nurse always does my bloodwork first and then the ultrasound, for some reason she poked me twice and couldn't get any blood so we did the ultrasound first, In my head I thought o-kay God I'm taking this as a good sign, those numbers that they get from the bloodwork mean nothing compared to what you can do for me. Then I got the dreaded afternoon call, my numbers had not moved, they had actually dropped about 100 points. I don't understand, as long as they were going up it was becoming easier for me to stay positive, but now they are dropping, the nurse has basically said this is a doomed pregnancy not exactly her words but basically. So we are putting all our trust in God, relying completely on him and praying for a miracle. Please pray with me. I go back in to the Dr. on Monday and I'll be looking for that heartbeat :-)

Gods Perfect Plan

This post may not make any sense, it is written more for myself than anyone else, sometimes it helps me to process things when I write them down. Today I went in for another ultrasound... Lets back up a little, My first ultrasound I went in and saw a sac but no yolk sac or heartbeat. My next ultrasound I went in very nervously and we were able to see a yolk sac but still no heartbeat I was so excited, the pregnancy was progressing... Then that same afternoon the nurse called and said my hcg levels had not increased as much as they wanted, my hopes were shot down, I didn't think I would make it through the weekend until my next ultrasound. I made it through and Tuesday came, I went in praying for Gods will, hoping for the best but fully expecting to see nothing. The nurse basically prepared me for the same thing, then she did the ultrasound and there was a heartbeat!! I rejoiced, over lunch Josh and I discussed names we were so excited. This afternoon the nurse called, my levels are still going up but not as much as they should be, she told me that "we would take it day by day, sometimes the pregnancy fights to continue, but then the heart stops thats what we will be looking for." I was devestated, I picked up my bible and just held it and prayed, I asked God "why do you keep giving me something and taking it away that same day?" and that still small voice in me said "I haven't taken anything away.. you went in expecting nothing I gave you a yolk sac, the nurse called and gave you doubt, you all went in expecting nothing I gave you a heartbeat, the nurse gave you doubt. I have taken away nothing" So today I am choosing to pray and believe that we are going to get a miracle.. If a miracle is not Gods plan then I am okay with that, I will praise God if I get to hold this baby on earth or if I get to hold this baby in heaven. This child belongs to God and what better capable hands could he be in. Will you join me and pray for our miracle and for us that we will accept Gods plan for our lives, that we will seek Gods will and make something out of whatever situation God gives us.

One of "Those" weeks

So this is going to be one of those posts that is just depressing, for me anyways. Last week was hard, It was one of "Those" weeks if you know what I mean. Wednesday my sister-n-law got some test results back from her doctor, and they weren't good, they determined she has cervical cancer that may have spread further. She is waiting on a call from MD Anderson to decide what their "plan of attack" will be. Her doctor says most likely she will have a radical hysterectomy and then chemo therapy, Please keep her and her family in your prayers, they will need alot in the coming weeks.
Thursday I had my 2nd ultrasound, there was still no heartbeat but my measurments had grown, so the pregnancy is progressing, the Dr. said that everything looked fine sometimes you aren't able to see the heartbeat this early. Later in the afternoon I got a call from the nurse saying that my hcg levels had increased but not as much as they would like them to, so of course that had me all worried.
Becky also had a Drs appt. Thursday, her Dr. told her she "thought" she may have seen a flicker indicating a heartbeat she was to come in Friday. Friday she was told that there was no heartbeat and she would miscarry again. I have been where she is at and I still have no words to comfort her, it is just that hard. Please be in prayer for Becky and her family as I have found out, it does not matter if you miscarry at 8 weeks or at 16 weeks the pain and sorrow is still very real and very hard.
There are people all around us going through horrible life circumstances and I just want to scream WHY, but for now what I cling to is the knowledge that God knows the plan for my, for our lives. One of my favorite verses is Jer.29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." We don't know why these things happen but our creator does HE HAS A PLAN and his plan is perfect! Isn't that a comfort.
Praying for a better week this week, I will update on Tuesday after my Dr. appt.

ultrasound #1

Update...
My levels have gone up which is a good sign, my estrogen level was a little low, so they have me on two patches instead of one. I go in Thursday afternoon, and will actually see the dr. and not the nurse.

We went in for our first ultrasound today, They were able to see a sac, but no heartbeat or baby yet. I am measuring about 5 weeks, so the nurse said this is pretty normal, of course this did not make me feel much better. They will call me this afternoon to let me know if my levels are going up and I go back in on Thursday for another ultrasound, so continue to pray.

PLEASE PRAY

Update.....
Praise God, I just heard from Becky, her levels are still going up so she will go in for another ultrasound on Thursday! This is great news but please continue to pray that they will be able to see the heartbeat Thursday. See we have this dream that our kids are going to get to grow up together, and we both know that Gods ways are not always our ways, we get that... but we are praying that maybe this time our dream will come true, maybe we can have our happy ending.



I have a friend who has gone through pretty much the same thing I have with the miscariages, except her first one was with twins. She has told me that they are expecting as well but her doctor has not been able to find a heartbeat yet. She will find out tomorrow if her levels are going up which is good (so that's what I'm praying for) I have been where she is at and my heart hurts for her right now. She is so deserving of this baby, I want so bad for her to have her happy ending. Please Keep Becky and her family in your prayers.