I'm okay

I'm okay, but it doesn't make this easier
I'm okay, but we are still very sad
I'm okay because we know that God is in control.
I'm okay because we know that God has great plans for us, even though we can't see them right now.

We went in today for our weekly ultrasound and the dr. was not able to find a heartbeat. I really am okay and I refuse to go down that dark road that I let myself go down last time. We need your prayers now more than ever. I want you to know I really am okay, but I just lost my baby, my 5th child, I am allowed tears, and just so you know these tears seem to come when I least expect them so if I'm talking to you and start crying out of the blue, you don't have to say anything... Just know that we're okay, just sad.

Please Pray for Baby Jonah

This is a blog I have been following for a while, she lost her first child at 37 weeks and was induced with her second child last week, Jonah was born with a rare and very serious skin disorder, they think it may be what her first child died of. She has asked for prayer and I wanted to pass this on.

We have had a busy week at our house, so I haven't had much computer time to update things. I had 2 Dr. appts last week, one with my regular ob who I am so excited to be back with, the next was with the specialist. Both appts went great baby was growing on schedule and the heartbeat was very strong. The specialist released me this week to my regular ob who I will see once a week until I am atleast 16 weeks! That was very exciting, it seems like a milestone atleast. Thankyou all so much for your prayers, and please don't stop. I couln't dream that I would make it this far, but we still have a very long road ahead of us and your prayers are what keep us going.

Peace

I want to write something really good, but I'm so overwhelmed I just can't come up with anything and realized that I'm just thinking about it to much, so I'm just going to tell you like it is. I had a Dr. appt today, I haven't been in one week which was pretty much a long time since I had been going twice a week. I have had an incredible peace that can only come from my God. In the back of my mind I knew there was the possibility that I wouldn't see that beautiful heartbeat, but I also knew that God would be with us and carry us through no matter what happened. Well, the Dr. said....."we just might have a miracle baby here." He's having a hard time explaining why our baby is still here, and when he told me that you could see in his eyes that he was giving up trying to figure it out. I know that there is no figuring it out, I don't want it to be explained, I know that this is all God! We still have a long road ahead of us, I'm taking it one appt. at a time so please don't stop praying. But I thought you should know that today our prayers were answered! I found a verse today and I love it, I'm not going to write it all here, but go get your Bible and read it! Philippians 4:6-7 Gods peace is a great thing.

This is hard!

We're back to good news in the morning and bad news in the afternoon! I went in for another ultrasound, everything looked great still a heartbeat and our baby had grown. Then the "dreaded phone call" my hcg levels are fine, but my hormone levels are both down, so they upped one of my medicines the other I've already upped once so they didn't have me increase that one. I'm going to be honest this is sooooo hard on me. The nurse told me today, "you're not out of the woods yet" I wanted to scream, are you serious do you think I don't know that! So pray for me today, I know that God is in control and I really do have a certain peace about everything, but I still find myself having those days when I just want to cry, scream, lay in bed and feel sorry for myself and just understand why this is happening. (sidenote, I have yet to do any of these things except ask why. Lay in bed, are you serious do you know what happens when I leave my girls alone? powder skating anyone!)

I finally figured out how to get a picture on my page, I just don't know how to shrink it! so how do you like our feet lifesize :-) Someday I'm going to catch up with the times and figure out all this computer stuff!

Miracles

I have had a hard time writing this post, and it's not because I got bad news today, on the contrary I got great news! I along with many others have been praying for a miracle, I have never doubted that God could give me that miracle I know that our God is capable of great things. I have doubted that I would get that miracle, I know that Gods timing is not always our timing. This is something I have and am really struggling with. By doubting he will give me this miracle am I essentially doubting God? (Any answers you have for me will be greatly appreciated) Anyways, so this afternoon I went in to see the Dr. (specialist) expecting of course the worst as we sat in the ultrasound room the Dr told us "I just want you to be prepared, your levels are going down and they are not where they should be, so be prepared to not see the heartbeat at one of these appointments." I told him that we understood that and we were prepared but we were still praying for a miracle. When he did the ultrasound we saw our baby who had grown since Thursday and a heartbeat Praise God! The Dr. with a very surprised look on his face told us that if he were to look at the baby he would never guess that my levels are as low as they are, he said this baby is right on track and has a very strong heartbeat! (very positive coming from him) He then told me my levels were still low, that they should be atleast in the 5000s so we would just keep watching. Honestly this was enough of a miracle for me, but of course I still had the dreaded afternoon phone call..... which wasn't so bad today my levels are up in the 5000s!!! Please keep praying for us, we know that God is at work here and it is through all our prayers that we are where we are at today. Also pray that no matter what happens we will bring glory to God, we don't know what is in store for us in the future, but today was an answer to prayer!!

Heartbeats

I had another dr.s appt this morning, I have been praying all weekend and was amazingly calm and comforted going into this appt that no matter what happened God was in control. I had also been praying very specifcally that I wanted to see a heartbeat today.... God answered that prayer, there was a strong heartbeat and the baby had grown! The nurse always does my bloodwork first and then the ultrasound, for some reason she poked me twice and couldn't get any blood so we did the ultrasound first, In my head I thought o-kay God I'm taking this as a good sign, those numbers that they get from the bloodwork mean nothing compared to what you can do for me. Then I got the dreaded afternoon call, my numbers had not moved, they had actually dropped about 100 points. I don't understand, as long as they were going up it was becoming easier for me to stay positive, but now they are dropping, the nurse has basically said this is a doomed pregnancy not exactly her words but basically. So we are putting all our trust in God, relying completely on him and praying for a miracle. Please pray with me. I go back in to the Dr. on Monday and I'll be looking for that heartbeat :-)

Gods Perfect Plan

This post may not make any sense, it is written more for myself than anyone else, sometimes it helps me to process things when I write them down. Today I went in for another ultrasound... Lets back up a little, My first ultrasound I went in and saw a sac but no yolk sac or heartbeat. My next ultrasound I went in very nervously and we were able to see a yolk sac but still no heartbeat I was so excited, the pregnancy was progressing... Then that same afternoon the nurse called and said my hcg levels had not increased as much as they wanted, my hopes were shot down, I didn't think I would make it through the weekend until my next ultrasound. I made it through and Tuesday came, I went in praying for Gods will, hoping for the best but fully expecting to see nothing. The nurse basically prepared me for the same thing, then she did the ultrasound and there was a heartbeat!! I rejoiced, over lunch Josh and I discussed names we were so excited. This afternoon the nurse called, my levels are still going up but not as much as they should be, she told me that "we would take it day by day, sometimes the pregnancy fights to continue, but then the heart stops thats what we will be looking for." I was devestated, I picked up my bible and just held it and prayed, I asked God "why do you keep giving me something and taking it away that same day?" and that still small voice in me said "I haven't taken anything away.. you went in expecting nothing I gave you a yolk sac, the nurse called and gave you doubt, you all went in expecting nothing I gave you a heartbeat, the nurse gave you doubt. I have taken away nothing" So today I am choosing to pray and believe that we are going to get a miracle.. If a miracle is not Gods plan then I am okay with that, I will praise God if I get to hold this baby on earth or if I get to hold this baby in heaven. This child belongs to God and what better capable hands could he be in. Will you join me and pray for our miracle and for us that we will accept Gods plan for our lives, that we will seek Gods will and make something out of whatever situation God gives us.

One of "Those" weeks

So this is going to be one of those posts that is just depressing, for me anyways. Last week was hard, It was one of "Those" weeks if you know what I mean. Wednesday my sister-n-law got some test results back from her doctor, and they weren't good, they determined she has cervical cancer that may have spread further. She is waiting on a call from MD Anderson to decide what their "plan of attack" will be. Her doctor says most likely she will have a radical hysterectomy and then chemo therapy, Please keep her and her family in your prayers, they will need alot in the coming weeks.
Thursday I had my 2nd ultrasound, there was still no heartbeat but my measurments had grown, so the pregnancy is progressing, the Dr. said that everything looked fine sometimes you aren't able to see the heartbeat this early. Later in the afternoon I got a call from the nurse saying that my hcg levels had increased but not as much as they would like them to, so of course that had me all worried.
Becky also had a Drs appt. Thursday, her Dr. told her she "thought" she may have seen a flicker indicating a heartbeat she was to come in Friday. Friday she was told that there was no heartbeat and she would miscarry again. I have been where she is at and I still have no words to comfort her, it is just that hard. Please be in prayer for Becky and her family as I have found out, it does not matter if you miscarry at 8 weeks or at 16 weeks the pain and sorrow is still very real and very hard.
There are people all around us going through horrible life circumstances and I just want to scream WHY, but for now what I cling to is the knowledge that God knows the plan for my, for our lives. One of my favorite verses is Jer.29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." We don't know why these things happen but our creator does HE HAS A PLAN and his plan is perfect! Isn't that a comfort.
Praying for a better week this week, I will update on Tuesday after my Dr. appt.

ultrasound #1

Update...
My levels have gone up which is a good sign, my estrogen level was a little low, so they have me on two patches instead of one. I go in Thursday afternoon, and will actually see the dr. and not the nurse.

We went in for our first ultrasound today, They were able to see a sac, but no heartbeat or baby yet. I am measuring about 5 weeks, so the nurse said this is pretty normal, of course this did not make me feel much better. They will call me this afternoon to let me know if my levels are going up and I go back in on Thursday for another ultrasound, so continue to pray.