It's a love hate relationship

I hate that....
I analyze everything from how sore my boobs are to how constipated I am, and if anything changes I go into a panic. Yea I totally just started my post off with that :)
I hate that I convince myself at least once a week that I've lost the baby.
I hate that I can't look at the ultrasound until the Dr. says everythings okay.
I hate that I can't talk about the pregnancy with the girls.
I hate that when someone says congratulations I want to laugh and say you have no idea.
I hate that I feel foolish looking at baby cribs and accessories because I can't envision ever actually holding a baby.
I hate that I get out my maternity clothes one piece at a time because if something was to happen it's so hard to pack them all up.
I hate shots, I hate tumors... I mean really who likes either of those.

I want to remember all of this, how it feels, so that maybe some day I can help someone else, so I made this list. After I wrote all of this down it made me kind of sad so I thought you know there are alot of things about pregnancy that I don't like, but there are also alot that I love....so I made another list.

I Love that....
I can pray so earnestly for my baby and that he/she and these experiences have brought me closer to God.
I love that all the pregnancy symptoms I have complained about in the past like nausea(although still irritating) I appreciate now.
I love that when I feel her kick it's the most awesome feeling in the world and I appreciate it for what it is, she is with me at that moment.
I love that I know she is strong, I like to think she's a fighter, I felt her move for the first time at 13 weeks 5 days and at 16 weeks she kicked me so hard it made me jump.
I love that when I see her moving on the ultrasound I get giddy happy and I feel and instant connection.
I love that I love this baby so much!

The Update!

So the reason I haven't been writing much lately is because anything I said would most likely wind up with me referring to "this" and I really didn't want to talk about it... But I guess now is the time, so if you didn't know or haven't figured it out then.... we're pregnant again.
Yay, congrats, how exciting...yea whatever, After 3 miscarriages that positive pregnancy test that used to be so exciting now brings the feeling of fear and those ultrasounds that we used to so look forward to now are spent with my eyes closed praying please see a heartbeat,please see a heartbeat.
We are now entering our ninth week of pregnancy and of course we would be dealing with something very out of the ordinary. A few weeks ago the nurse noticed for lack of better words a "blob" in the placenta with the baby. She didn't know what it was so we watched...next appt. the "blob" was still there so the Dr. looks at it, he says maybe a molar pregnancy, twin pregnancy that died, or blood vessels, "I'm not sure". So off to the hospital, after a student, ultrasound tech, and ultimately the radiologist all come in and do ultrasounds...the verdict "we don't know". "I'm going to die" I know, silly right, but this was my thought, I was scared out of my mind. Well one appt with a high risk pregnancy specialist later and he tells me I have a chorioangioma tumor. WHAT! yea that was my reaction too. Apparently it's a benign tumor that can grow and can cause pregnancy complications for the baby, congestive heart failure, premature birth, miscarriage just to name a few. It could also stay the same and cause no complications at all, obviously this is what we are praying for. The doctor says he's cautiously optimistic...which after 3 miscarriages I'm always cautiously optimistic:-)
So here we are again dealing with a whole new set of issues. Relying on God day by day and thanking him for each moment I have with this baby.

Prayer

I've been thinking alot about prayer lately. Well, mostly about how God answers prayers. When I was pregnant I wanted a miracle, I prayed for Gods will, but at the same time I wanted my will, my desire, a baby to hold. God knew that, he knew what I wanted. When I didn't get what I wanted I was okay, I really amazingly was. I knew, I know, that God is in control but did he answer my prayer?

Becca has been asking me for a LuLu. (LuLu is parker girl translation of some silly looking doll you can get from build-a-bear) Last time we went to build-a-bear Becca picked out a bear or something and Emma picked out this doll. Now of course many months later Becca wants what her sister has, and she asks me for it constantly. My answer has been not right now, you will have to wait. She has asked me a question and I have answered her, it's not at all what she wants to hear, but all the same she has been given an answer.


God answers all heartfelt prayers. His answer might be yes, it might be no, or it may be wait. If His answer is no or wait we cannot say that our prayer has not been answered, just because it was not the answer we wanted or expected to hear. Just like Becca asking for a LuLu the answer she was given is not one she wants to hear, but she knows that I Love her. I will not let her down, I know what is best for her right now, in the same way God knows what is best for us. I can rest assured knowing that He is in control, He is not surprised by anything that is happening, God loves me!

"No matter where we are, God is as close as a prayer"

Chaos or Peace?

I have had a crappy last few days (the girls are in bed so I can say that;) Every little thing makes me cry, and I hate crying... my voice gets all squeaky, my face scuinches up, I can't breathe and I snort. So, you see why I don't like to cry, it's not a pretty sight! I'm having crazy mood swings (yes Josh, I'm admitting it) It's just been crappy, but at the bottom of all that I have this incredible peace. On the outside I look like I'm falling apart, but inside I know without a shadow of doubt that we're going to be okay, that my God is in control and He can do more than I could ever ask or imagine, I know that, and I'm okay. One of my favorite songs lately is by Sanctus Real, the chorus says whatever you're doing inside of me it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace. Some people say this doesn't make sense chaos and peace, they don't go together. I have to disagree because what I'm feeling right now is complete and utter chaos, everything in my little world has been turned upside down and yet I have this peace, somedays I have to search a little harder than others to find it, but it is there. Peace that can only come from my Savior, the one who knows me better than anyone else, the one who is walking with me through all of this, the one who helps me get up in the morning, the one who helps me get through the day. So Chaos or Peace? I don't think we have to choose.
Here are the words to the song "Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

Spring time

There's something about springtime, flowers blooming, warm weather, green leaves. I love spring, the new beginnings it brings. I had been thinking about Spring time a few weeks ago, how exciting it was that I would be entering my second trimester, how great it would be to feel my baby moving. As we enter Spring now I am grieving all that I am going to miss, but also looking around at everything I have, and everything that I have to look forward to.
BUBBLES...

BARE FEET...

FRESH AIR...

So I've had to change my way of thinking a little, but I'm still getting my new beginnings, just not the new beginnings I thought we would be getting.

Gods Hands

This post is for me really, Because I want to remember. I know that as time passes we start to forget things, and I want to remember that I saw God in the midst of horrible circumstances... I saw Gods hand even in this.
I had all intentions of going to the Dr by myself yesterday, at the last minute our schedule changed and Josh was able to come with me, God knew that I would need him there with me, I saw Gods hands.
I was just in the specialist office on Friday, !FRIDAY!, everything was fine, and then between Friday and Monday something happened. I don't know what, I don't understand why, but I do know that I could have been at the specialists office when they told me the news and that would have been so hard for me. Instead I was at Dr. Johnsons, my regular Dr. who cares, who understands, who wants this for us as badly as we want it. That was God, I saw his hands.
I want to understand why this happened again, and believe me I have asked God that question. I realize though that sometimes we don't know, we may never understand and when we really stop and think asking God or understanding why, thats not our job... Faith is about trusting God no matter what. This is what I am trying to remember, what I am holding on to... God has a plan and He alone is in control.

I'm okay

I'm okay, but it doesn't make this easier
I'm okay, but we are still very sad
I'm okay because we know that God is in control.
I'm okay because we know that God has great plans for us, even though we can't see them right now.

We went in today for our weekly ultrasound and the dr. was not able to find a heartbeat. I really am okay and I refuse to go down that dark road that I let myself go down last time. We need your prayers now more than ever. I want you to know I really am okay, but I just lost my baby, my 5th child, I am allowed tears, and just so you know these tears seem to come when I least expect them so if I'm talking to you and start crying out of the blue, you don't have to say anything... Just know that we're okay, just sad.

What If....

I had a hard day today, I have made peace with what happened with my miscarriages, but not a day goes by that I don't think about both my babies. We are coming up to both due dates, Taylors is Jan. 21st and Maisyns Feb. 3. I seem to be doing the what ifs lately, what if I had Taylor, I would be planning a first birthday! What if I was still pregnant with Maisyn, I would be getting ready to bring a new baby home. Last week in Sunday school whe studied Psalm 42 and 43 One of the things that really struck me was how many times the Psalmist asks God Why, why are these things happening to me. I found comfort in that, the Bible does not teach that we as believers will never face disapointment, but it is filled with examples of people who faced saddness, loss and hardships, It shows us what to do when we face depression, We can still trust God, give him control yet there is still room to ask him Why, why did this happen? We are planning on trying to have another baby soon, I have seen a specialist and once we are pregnant again he will start me on daily injections of a blood thinner, they believe that both miscarriages were caused by blood clots restricting air flow to the placenta. As nervous as I am about going through this again I have a certain peace, My God is the same today as he was yesterday and he will be the same tomorrow so no matter what happens I can put my faith in that.