It's a love hate relationship

I hate that....
I analyze everything from how sore my boobs are to how constipated I am, and if anything changes I go into a panic. Yea I totally just started my post off with that :)
I hate that I convince myself at least once a week that I've lost the baby.
I hate that I can't look at the ultrasound until the Dr. says everythings okay.
I hate that I can't talk about the pregnancy with the girls.
I hate that when someone says congratulations I want to laugh and say you have no idea.
I hate that I feel foolish looking at baby cribs and accessories because I can't envision ever actually holding a baby.
I hate that I get out my maternity clothes one piece at a time because if something was to happen it's so hard to pack them all up.
I hate shots, I hate tumors... I mean really who likes either of those.

I want to remember all of this, how it feels, so that maybe some day I can help someone else, so I made this list. After I wrote all of this down it made me kind of sad so I thought you know there are alot of things about pregnancy that I don't like, but there are also alot that I love....so I made another list.

I Love that....
I can pray so earnestly for my baby and that he/she and these experiences have brought me closer to God.
I love that all the pregnancy symptoms I have complained about in the past like nausea(although still irritating) I appreciate now.
I love that when I feel her kick it's the most awesome feeling in the world and I appreciate it for what it is, she is with me at that moment.
I love that I know she is strong, I like to think she's a fighter, I felt her move for the first time at 13 weeks 5 days and at 16 weeks she kicked me so hard it made me jump.
I love that when I see her moving on the ultrasound I get giddy happy and I feel and instant connection.
I love that I love this baby so much!

12 1/2 weeks

We drove down to Houston today to see my perinatal/high risk doctor. The appt went great as far as the baby goes, she was moving like crazy kicking and waving her hands around. It was so wonderful to see her moving so much...at one point I'm pretty sure she kicked the tumor which brings me to the disappointing part of my appt., the tumor has not shrunk it has grown actually doubled in size since I last saw this dr. 5 weeks ago. I was not encouraged, I was a little disappointed, I was hoping it had shrunk, really I was hoping it had disappeared. So to see it so clearly on the ultrasound was (insert groan here). The Dr. was not surprised and he said the tumor is growing in proportion to the baby and placenta, it's not growing faster or threatening the baby right now. He checked the heartbeat and other things and said that there were no signs of congestive heart failure and that the baby looked great...he's hopeful. I may have been a little surprised at the news, but the Dr wasn't and most importantly neither is God, he knew we would be walking this road long before we did...he chose this path for us, so here we are taking it one day at a time praying for health for this baby, and peace for us. We appreciate all your prayers. Jeremiah 29:11

Update

Just a little update for you! Vacation Bible School went great, I had the most awesome helper :-) and a group of fun kids! As great as it was I am soooo glad it's over, and now we are having a relaxing week sticking close to home. I did have a doctors appt yesterday which I was seriously nervous about and pretty much started crying as soon as I walked in the exam room. This was my first appt. back with my reg. ob who I really like, but she is the one who has always had to give me bad news so understandably we were scared. Everything went great though, we got to see her moving all around and we are measuring 11 weeks and 2 days! I know I mentioned before that we think its a girl, out of 5 pregnancies we know 3 of them were girls and also apparently pregnancies that are complicated with this choriangioma tumor are more common with girl babies than with boys. So until we are told otherwise I will refer to this baby as a she :-).

Prayer

I've been thinking alot about prayer lately. Well, mostly about how God answers prayers. When I was pregnant I wanted a miracle, I prayed for Gods will, but at the same time I wanted my will, my desire, a baby to hold. God knew that, he knew what I wanted. When I didn't get what I wanted I was okay, I really amazingly was. I knew, I know, that God is in control but did he answer my prayer?

Becca has been asking me for a LuLu. (LuLu is parker girl translation of some silly looking doll you can get from build-a-bear) Last time we went to build-a-bear Becca picked out a bear or something and Emma picked out this doll. Now of course many months later Becca wants what her sister has, and she asks me for it constantly. My answer has been not right now, you will have to wait. She has asked me a question and I have answered her, it's not at all what she wants to hear, but all the same she has been given an answer.


God answers all heartfelt prayers. His answer might be yes, it might be no, or it may be wait. If His answer is no or wait we cannot say that our prayer has not been answered, just because it was not the answer we wanted or expected to hear. Just like Becca asking for a LuLu the answer she was given is not one she wants to hear, but she knows that I Love her. I will not let her down, I know what is best for her right now, in the same way God knows what is best for us. I can rest assured knowing that He is in control, He is not surprised by anything that is happening, God loves me!

"No matter where we are, God is as close as a prayer"

A Childs Eyes

Becca came home with picture that she drew in Sunday School, when I asked her what the picture was she told me "its a picture of our family, and we are all holding hands." When I took a closer look I noticed an extra person in her picture when I asked her who this person was she told me, "that's our baby". I was pretty curious so I said umm Becca we don't have a baby, and her response, "No, Momma thats the baby that God will give us someday." I had to smile because once again I realized what a gift God gave me when he gave me these two girls.

Please Pray for Baby Jonah

This is a blog I have been following for a while, she lost her first child at 37 weeks and was induced with her second child last week, Jonah was born with a rare and very serious skin disorder, they think it may be what her first child died of. She has asked for prayer and I wanted to pass this on.

We have had a busy week at our house, so I haven't had much computer time to update things. I had 2 Dr. appts last week, one with my regular ob who I am so excited to be back with, the next was with the specialist. Both appts went great baby was growing on schedule and the heartbeat was very strong. The specialist released me this week to my regular ob who I will see once a week until I am atleast 16 weeks! That was very exciting, it seems like a milestone atleast. Thankyou all so much for your prayers, and please don't stop. I couln't dream that I would make it this far, but we still have a very long road ahead of us and your prayers are what keep us going.

Peace

I want to write something really good, but I'm so overwhelmed I just can't come up with anything and realized that I'm just thinking about it to much, so I'm just going to tell you like it is. I had a Dr. appt today, I haven't been in one week which was pretty much a long time since I had been going twice a week. I have had an incredible peace that can only come from my God. In the back of my mind I knew there was the possibility that I wouldn't see that beautiful heartbeat, but I also knew that God would be with us and carry us through no matter what happened. Well, the Dr. said....."we just might have a miracle baby here." He's having a hard time explaining why our baby is still here, and when he told me that you could see in his eyes that he was giving up trying to figure it out. I know that there is no figuring it out, I don't want it to be explained, I know that this is all God! We still have a long road ahead of us, I'm taking it one appt. at a time so please don't stop praying. But I thought you should know that today our prayers were answered! I found a verse today and I love it, I'm not going to write it all here, but go get your Bible and read it! Philippians 4:6-7 Gods peace is a great thing.