LIlly Grace

In one moment your life can change forever....thats all it takes one moment. We delivered our sixth beautiful baby, Lilly Grace Aug. 27. I had an amazing nurse who will never know how much she meant to me in that moment. I am numb right now, I can't even explain the feeling. I find myself taking showers so hot I come out with red skin...I just want something to take away this awful hurt, but nothing works...now please don't tell me there is something wrong or I need medicine, it will get better, it always does. The hurt will never go away but instead of the tears that come frequently and without warning today one day I will get ready for bed and realize I cried only once that day and someday I'll make it through the whole day, but for now this is my life, this is my reality. Here is a picture of a print that Carrie got for us of Lillys oh so tiny, yet oh so perfect footprint. The picture is not near as clear as the actual print.

Changes

Alot can change in a few days, 4 to be exact. I don't really feel like writing this, but I want you to know in case you don't so you can be in prayer for us tomorrow. I went in to the Dr. today and she was unable to find a heartbeat....I'd like to say I'm okay, but I'm really not I probably look better than I have in any of my previous miscarriages on the outside, I've learned to put on that "I'm okay face" but inside...honestly I'm mad, I don't get it, I'm hurt, I really don't have any words to explain what I'm feeling. I go into delivery tomorrow morning at 8PM so please pray for us tomorrow and in the days ahead.

The Short post

Oh, I have so much to write and soooo little time so I'll just give you the important details...the funny stories will have to wait! We have been in the process of moving and have had very limited internet access....you know the kind, the one where you can get someone elses internet from one corner of the house, is that wrong oh no maybe I shouldn't have written that:-) We will have phone and internet service up soon so until then my posts will and have been few and far between. I had my anatomy scan with the specialist down in Houston a couple of weeks ago, thankyou to all of you who prayed for me I was so incredibly nervous and scared. I clung to and am still clinging to the verse

Be still and Know that I Am God

It is so hard for me to not try and take things into my own hands, to find my own answers, to simply be still. Yet when I remember that verse it becomes such a comfort that I can Know that He is God and that He is in control. All that to say... you probably think I got bad news huh, nope not at all the tumor had not grown hardly at all in 5 weeks and the baby was growing perfectly and......it is a Girl!!!! How fun will this be 3 girls! I can't hardly wait! You would think getting such great news I would be able to relax a little, but that is so not the case. Everyday I fight the feeling of fear of all that could go wrong so please don't stop your praying we have made it to 20 weeks something I never thought I would see but I still have 20 more to go! This turned out not so short, maybe I should change the title, no, I hear the girls getting into something I'm sure they are not supposed to be into so until next time!

It's a love hate relationship

I hate that....
I analyze everything from how sore my boobs are to how constipated I am, and if anything changes I go into a panic. Yea I totally just started my post off with that :)
I hate that I convince myself at least once a week that I've lost the baby.
I hate that I can't look at the ultrasound until the Dr. says everythings okay.
I hate that I can't talk about the pregnancy with the girls.
I hate that when someone says congratulations I want to laugh and say you have no idea.
I hate that I feel foolish looking at baby cribs and accessories because I can't envision ever actually holding a baby.
I hate that I get out my maternity clothes one piece at a time because if something was to happen it's so hard to pack them all up.
I hate shots, I hate tumors... I mean really who likes either of those.

I want to remember all of this, how it feels, so that maybe some day I can help someone else, so I made this list. After I wrote all of this down it made me kind of sad so I thought you know there are alot of things about pregnancy that I don't like, but there are also alot that I love....so I made another list.

I Love that....
I can pray so earnestly for my baby and that he/she and these experiences have brought me closer to God.
I love that all the pregnancy symptoms I have complained about in the past like nausea(although still irritating) I appreciate now.
I love that when I feel her kick it's the most awesome feeling in the world and I appreciate it for what it is, she is with me at that moment.
I love that I know she is strong, I like to think she's a fighter, I felt her move for the first time at 13 weeks 5 days and at 16 weeks she kicked me so hard it made me jump.
I love that when I see her moving on the ultrasound I get giddy happy and I feel and instant connection.
I love that I love this baby so much!

The post you may not want to read :-)

So, I've been told by a couple people that I needed to update. You see, it's been a couple of weeks because if I had written earlier you would have gotten a post all about peuk, like the day I was holding Emma's hair back so she could peuk in the toilet when I realized that I either needed to push her away or use the trashcan for myself, simultaneous peuk, all done while I was holding back Emma's hair...I'm such a multitasker, or how about the day that we were driving and she informs me she needs to throw up so I hand her a doll car seat, it was either that or my purse I mean seriously what would you have chosen! :-) So as you can see you really wouldn't have wanted to read "that" post ;-) Things are looking up now, after a week of being sick Emma seems to be feeling a little better, no fever today at least.
I did have a dr. appt Monday and things look good we've made it to 14 weeks! The farther along I get I seem to get more fearful of all the things that could go wrong so please pray for peace and for an uneventful pregnancy....and maybe that this tumor would just disappear, That would be great!

12 1/2 weeks

We drove down to Houston today to see my perinatal/high risk doctor. The appt went great as far as the baby goes, she was moving like crazy kicking and waving her hands around. It was so wonderful to see her moving so much...at one point I'm pretty sure she kicked the tumor which brings me to the disappointing part of my appt., the tumor has not shrunk it has grown actually doubled in size since I last saw this dr. 5 weeks ago. I was not encouraged, I was a little disappointed, I was hoping it had shrunk, really I was hoping it had disappeared. So to see it so clearly on the ultrasound was (insert groan here). The Dr. was not surprised and he said the tumor is growing in proportion to the baby and placenta, it's not growing faster or threatening the baby right now. He checked the heartbeat and other things and said that there were no signs of congestive heart failure and that the baby looked great...he's hopeful. I may have been a little surprised at the news, but the Dr wasn't and most importantly neither is God, he knew we would be walking this road long before we did...he chose this path for us, so here we are taking it one day at a time praying for health for this baby, and peace for us. We appreciate all your prayers. Jeremiah 29:11

Update

Just a little update for you! Vacation Bible School went great, I had the most awesome helper :-) and a group of fun kids! As great as it was I am soooo glad it's over, and now we are having a relaxing week sticking close to home. I did have a doctors appt yesterday which I was seriously nervous about and pretty much started crying as soon as I walked in the exam room. This was my first appt. back with my reg. ob who I really like, but she is the one who has always had to give me bad news so understandably we were scared. Everything went great though, we got to see her moving all around and we are measuring 11 weeks and 2 days! I know I mentioned before that we think its a girl, out of 5 pregnancies we know 3 of them were girls and also apparently pregnancies that are complicated with this choriangioma tumor are more common with girl babies than with boys. So until we are told otherwise I will refer to this baby as a she :-).