It's a love hate relationship

I hate that....
I analyze everything from how sore my boobs are to how constipated I am, and if anything changes I go into a panic. Yea I totally just started my post off with that :)
I hate that I convince myself at least once a week that I've lost the baby.
I hate that I can't look at the ultrasound until the Dr. says everythings okay.
I hate that I can't talk about the pregnancy with the girls.
I hate that when someone says congratulations I want to laugh and say you have no idea.
I hate that I feel foolish looking at baby cribs and accessories because I can't envision ever actually holding a baby.
I hate that I get out my maternity clothes one piece at a time because if something was to happen it's so hard to pack them all up.
I hate shots, I hate tumors... I mean really who likes either of those.

I want to remember all of this, how it feels, so that maybe some day I can help someone else, so I made this list. After I wrote all of this down it made me kind of sad so I thought you know there are alot of things about pregnancy that I don't like, but there are also alot that I love....so I made another list.

I Love that....
I can pray so earnestly for my baby and that he/she and these experiences have brought me closer to God.
I love that all the pregnancy symptoms I have complained about in the past like nausea(although still irritating) I appreciate now.
I love that when I feel her kick it's the most awesome feeling in the world and I appreciate it for what it is, she is with me at that moment.
I love that I know she is strong, I like to think she's a fighter, I felt her move for the first time at 13 weeks 5 days and at 16 weeks she kicked me so hard it made me jump.
I love that when I see her moving on the ultrasound I get giddy happy and I feel and instant connection.
I love that I love this baby so much!

The post you may not want to read :-)

So, I've been told by a couple people that I needed to update. You see, it's been a couple of weeks because if I had written earlier you would have gotten a post all about peuk, like the day I was holding Emma's hair back so she could peuk in the toilet when I realized that I either needed to push her away or use the trashcan for myself, simultaneous peuk, all done while I was holding back Emma's hair...I'm such a multitasker, or how about the day that we were driving and she informs me she needs to throw up so I hand her a doll car seat, it was either that or my purse I mean seriously what would you have chosen! :-) So as you can see you really wouldn't have wanted to read "that" post ;-) Things are looking up now, after a week of being sick Emma seems to be feeling a little better, no fever today at least.
I did have a dr. appt Monday and things look good we've made it to 14 weeks! The farther along I get I seem to get more fearful of all the things that could go wrong so please pray for peace and for an uneventful pregnancy....and maybe that this tumor would just disappear, That would be great!

12 1/2 weeks

We drove down to Houston today to see my perinatal/high risk doctor. The appt went great as far as the baby goes, she was moving like crazy kicking and waving her hands around. It was so wonderful to see her moving so much...at one point I'm pretty sure she kicked the tumor which brings me to the disappointing part of my appt., the tumor has not shrunk it has grown actually doubled in size since I last saw this dr. 5 weeks ago. I was not encouraged, I was a little disappointed, I was hoping it had shrunk, really I was hoping it had disappeared. So to see it so clearly on the ultrasound was (insert groan here). The Dr. was not surprised and he said the tumor is growing in proportion to the baby and placenta, it's not growing faster or threatening the baby right now. He checked the heartbeat and other things and said that there were no signs of congestive heart failure and that the baby looked great...he's hopeful. I may have been a little surprised at the news, but the Dr wasn't and most importantly neither is God, he knew we would be walking this road long before we did...he chose this path for us, so here we are taking it one day at a time praying for health for this baby, and peace for us. We appreciate all your prayers. Jeremiah 29:11