Things I Love....

a little sunshine...

 

Blue walls (really how great is that!)

 

lollipops and 2 beautiful girls....

 

It doesn't get much better than that!

Seriously

My worst fear 3 years ago was losing my Grandparents...seriously... I used to have panic attacks when I would think about them dying. Then I lost my Granny and Grendaddy on the same day....seriously... it was worse than my worst fear. I made it through, then exactly one year to the day of losing them...seriously...I miscarried our 3rd child Taylor, a little over a year later we lost our 4th, Maisyn, 7 months later we lost our 5th baby Hannah, 6 months later we lost our 6th, Lilly. I never thought I would lose a child much less 4 talk about worst fear. Through these experiences I have learned so much one thing being that I am alot stronger than I ever thought I could be. Thats not to say I don't cry or get upset periodically...it's called grief people, it's normal, it's okay! Is it hard for me to be around babies....yea....sometimes it is, I love babies, but sometimes it gets me thinking about my babies and what they would be like. Does that mean I don't ever want to be around babies...NO. Is it hard for me to be around pregnant people...yea...I look at them and think about what could be or where I would be in my pregnancy....does that mean I hate pregnant people, that I can't be happy for them...NO...just because I don't have a baby doesn't mean that other people don't deserve one. I might get teary eyed around babies, I might get teary eyed around pregnant people...not because I don't like them or am not happy for them, but because sometimes its hard....but just because it's hard doesn't mean I'm going to sit in my closet and hide from babies or pregnant people....seriously....I'm not crazy! And as far as what I can and can not handle emotionally, let me make that decision....I might surprise you...seriously...I'm alot stronger than you think I am.

Wordless Wednesday

 

 

If only I knew....

I'm having a hard time....I'm doing okay, actually better than I ever thought I could be at this point in time, yet there are days, well moments during every day that the grief hits me so hard and unexpetedly that it literally makes me sick to my stomach. We are in the process of moving, yes it is a loooonng process :) I am of course coming across the girls baby blankets and other things that I had saved in hopes that someday we would have another one, and these things are making me very sad. I am facing the reality that we may never have another baby, I have not accepted this reality and really hope that God has other plans for us, but until he makes that plan clear (clear as in "hey would you adopt my baby") then we will patiently wait....I am smiling as I write patiently because sadly patient is something neither of us are :-)
I keep looking back and remembering those long nights when the girls were babies and thinking "If only I knew" If only I knew that I wouldn't get another chance to walk the hallway trying to get her to fall asleep...if only I knew that all those things that some days seemed so irritating one day I would miss them, then maybe I would have held on a little tighter, enjoyed those nights a little more. These experiences have made me realize that today is all I have, we are not promised tomorrow we are not promised the next moment. So today I will hold on a little tighter, I will enjoy these moments a little more....I am not perfect and believe me when I am faced with this...

and this...

there are moments I definetly feel like screaming, but even in those moments I have learned to look at it and think to myself, enjoy this moment because someday you'll wish you had it back....(I know there will be screaming and crying when they get older, but the screams will be louder and the tears will be harder to console so yea I'm pretty sure someday I'll wish I had those 5 year old tears and 3 year old screams back ;-)
and because you've been so wonderful to make it to the end of this post here are some happier faces for you to enjoy!

Days like these make me smile! I am sitting out at the picnic table as I type this, it is an absolute gorgeous day! The weater has cooled off...for the morning atleast :-) and the girls are able to run and play to their hearts content! Play they have, I love to watch them as they discover new things, and the things they come up with to play....well it's hard not to smile when you see this driving through your yard!

We started something Tuesday....something I said I would NEVER do, yes, for this year atleast we are homeschooling! Over the summer for many different reasons Josh and I dedcided for this year we would try it, I have had doubts and at times struggled with the decision....but after everything that has taken place I realize that our decision was indeed God led. Although the girls never really knew about the pregnancy, Becca had her suspicions and as much as I try to put on that "happy face" there are times when that just is not possible. They both know that something is different, not right, I can't imagine sending Becca off when everything is so upside down in our lives right now. So for this year we will embrace this new way of learning, so far she loves it, and I am getting to watch as her and Emma are becoming closer and as Becca embraces that "big sister" role. So although we are still sad for all we have lost I will continue to try and look forward to the future and to all God has planned for our family.