A Childs Eyes

Becca came home with picture that she drew in Sunday School, when I asked her what the picture was she told me "its a picture of our family, and we are all holding hands." When I took a closer look I noticed an extra person in her picture when I asked her who this person was she told me, "that's our baby". I was pretty curious so I said umm Becca we don't have a baby, and her response, "No, Momma thats the baby that God will give us someday." I had to smile because once again I realized what a gift God gave me when he gave me these two girls.

Moms don't get sick days....

Well atleast we usually don't. Thanks to My Mom, Dad, Granny and Kiki this Mom got some much needed rest and recovery time! The girls came back from Huntsville full of stories of picnics on Poppy and Bella's house, adventures in the park with Kiki, mule rides to see the cows. Oh yea, apparently Granny's a better cook than me, imagine that! They got to watch movies, went to a baseball game, stayed up late and just had alot of fun. Thanks you guys for taking such good care of my girls when I was unable to. Oh and ummmm yea they came back pretty spoiled too, ya'll didn't let them run the house...did you?

Chaos or Peace?

I have had a crappy last few days (the girls are in bed so I can say that;) Every little thing makes me cry, and I hate crying... my voice gets all squeaky, my face scuinches up, I can't breathe and I snort. So, you see why I don't like to cry, it's not a pretty sight! I'm having crazy mood swings (yes Josh, I'm admitting it) It's just been crappy, but at the bottom of all that I have this incredible peace. On the outside I look like I'm falling apart, but inside I know without a shadow of doubt that we're going to be okay, that my God is in control and He can do more than I could ever ask or imagine, I know that, and I'm okay. One of my favorite songs lately is by Sanctus Real, the chorus says whatever you're doing inside of me it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace. Some people say this doesn't make sense chaos and peace, they don't go together. I have to disagree because what I'm feeling right now is complete and utter chaos, everything in my little world has been turned upside down and yet I have this peace, somedays I have to search a little harder than others to find it, but it is there. Peace that can only come from my Savior, the one who knows me better than anyone else, the one who is walking with me through all of this, the one who helps me get up in the morning, the one who helps me get through the day. So Chaos or Peace? I don't think we have to choose.
Here are the words to the song "Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

Wordless Wednesday

Spring time

There's something about springtime, flowers blooming, warm weather, green leaves. I love spring, the new beginnings it brings. I had been thinking about Spring time a few weeks ago, how exciting it was that I would be entering my second trimester, how great it would be to feel my baby moving. As we enter Spring now I am grieving all that I am going to miss, but also looking around at everything I have, and everything that I have to look forward to.
BUBBLES...

BARE FEET...

FRESH AIR...

So I've had to change my way of thinking a little, but I'm still getting my new beginnings, just not the new beginnings I thought we would be getting.

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

This post was originally started last Monday, but after the events of that day it never got posted. After the week that I have had I decided that a little humor was needed! So here we go...

I did not come into my living room to see little Miss Emma playing in my makeup, which wouldn't have been so bad if the makeup had been going on her and not him...(look closely at the eyes)

He was about as happy about it as I was!

I'm sure I have many more "Not Me's" but instead of embarassing myself I'll leave you with a picture of my two favorite cowgirls!

Gods Hands

This post is for me really, Because I want to remember. I know that as time passes we start to forget things, and I want to remember that I saw God in the midst of horrible circumstances... I saw Gods hand even in this.
I had all intentions of going to the Dr by myself yesterday, at the last minute our schedule changed and Josh was able to come with me, God knew that I would need him there with me, I saw Gods hands.
I was just in the specialist office on Friday, !FRIDAY!, everything was fine, and then between Friday and Monday something happened. I don't know what, I don't understand why, but I do know that I could have been at the specialists office when they told me the news and that would have been so hard for me. Instead I was at Dr. Johnsons, my regular Dr. who cares, who understands, who wants this for us as badly as we want it. That was God, I saw his hands.
I want to understand why this happened again, and believe me I have asked God that question. I realize though that sometimes we don't know, we may never understand and when we really stop and think asking God or understanding why, thats not our job... Faith is about trusting God no matter what. This is what I am trying to remember, what I am holding on to... God has a plan and He alone is in control.

I'm okay

I'm okay, but it doesn't make this easier
I'm okay, but we are still very sad
I'm okay because we know that God is in control.
I'm okay because we know that God has great plans for us, even though we can't see them right now.

We went in today for our weekly ultrasound and the dr. was not able to find a heartbeat. I really am okay and I refuse to go down that dark road that I let myself go down last time. We need your prayers now more than ever. I want you to know I really am okay, but I just lost my baby, my 5th child, I am allowed tears, and just so you know these tears seem to come when I least expect them so if I'm talking to you and start crying out of the blue, you don't have to say anything... Just know that we're okay, just sad.

Please Pray for Baby Jonah

This is a blog I have been following for a while, she lost her first child at 37 weeks and was induced with her second child last week, Jonah was born with a rare and very serious skin disorder, they think it may be what her first child died of. She has asked for prayer and I wanted to pass this on.

We have had a busy week at our house, so I haven't had much computer time to update things. I had 2 Dr. appts last week, one with my regular ob who I am so excited to be back with, the next was with the specialist. Both appts went great baby was growing on schedule and the heartbeat was very strong. The specialist released me this week to my regular ob who I will see once a week until I am atleast 16 weeks! That was very exciting, it seems like a milestone atleast. Thankyou all so much for your prayers, and please don't stop. I couln't dream that I would make it this far, but we still have a very long road ahead of us and your prayers are what keep us going.